June 2008 Uncommon Decency 565.2    Last week, Sara Tucholsky, (for the full story, click on Sara's name) a 5-foot-2-inch softball player in her senior year for Western Oregon University, was playing in a big game with Central Washington University. Both teams were vying for the Division II NCAA playoffs. Sara, who was batting less than .200 all season, hit the ball over the fence with two runners on. She had never hit a ball out of the park before, even in practice. She was so excited, she missed first base. Realizing this, she turned to go back but collapsed in agony as her knee gave out. Her first-base coach yelled that she had to crawl back to first base because if anyone on Sara's team touched her, she'd be out and her home run would be nullified. Her coach encouraged her to try to crawl around the other bases to preserve her home run, but it was out of the question. That's when the star player on the other team, Mallory Holtman, asked the umpire if she and a teammate could carry Sara around the bases. It was an unprecedented request from an opponent fighting for a playoff berth, but the rules allowed it. Without hesitation, Mallory and shortstop Liz Wallace lifted Sara and carried her, lowering her to touch each base with her good leg.To Mallory it was simple: "In the end, it's not about winning and losing so much; it was about this girl. She hit it over the fence and was in pain and deserved a home run." Mallory was right. It's just common decency. Sadly, such kindness isn't common at all in sports, and that's why all the coaches, players, and spectators who were stunned by this spontaneous act of sportsmanship wept. And that's how Mallory became a national hero.By the way, her team lost 4-2, but in my eyes, everyone won. May 2008 Keep Singing, Michael Every day since three-year-old Michael was told he was going to have a baby sister, he would touch his mommy’s tummy tenderly and sing all the songs he knew to the baby. Tragically, the baby was born in critical condition, and the doctors said the newborn would not last through the week. Michael, who was unaware of the crisis, kept insisting he wanted to see his sister and sing to her. Although children were not allowed in intensive care, his mother decided to let Michael see his sister and sing to her before she passed away. When the nurse saw Michael in the room she said, "That child will have to leave." Michael’s mom responded firmly, "Not until he sings to his sister." Michael didn’t notice all the wires attached to the tiny infant. Touching the outside of the plastic crib, he beamed and began to sing: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." Strangely, the baby seemed to respond. Her pulse rate slowed and her breathing became easier. With tears in her eyes, the mother said, "Keep singing, Michael, keep singing." The more Michael sang, the more the baby relaxed. Soon even the nurse chimed in, "Keep singing, Michael, keep singing." And Michael did. The baby fell into a calm, healing sleep. Within days, she was well enough to take home. This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts April 2008 Let the Butterfly Struggle 531.2 There’s a parable about a new mother who discovered a butterfly struggling mightily to escape its cocoon through a tiny opening at the top. She became concerned when the creature seemed to give up after making no progress. Certain the butterfly wouldn’t make it out without help, she enlarged the hole slightly. On its next try, the butterfly wriggled out easily. But the young woman’s joy turned to horror when she saw its wings were shriveled and useless. Her well-intentioned intervention had interrupted a natural process. Forcing the butterfly to squeeze through a small opening is nature’s way of assuring that blood from the creature’s body is pushed into the wings. By making it easier, she deprived the butterfly of strong wings. Childhood, too, is a sort of cocoon. If children are to emerge emotionally strong into adulthood, parents must allow, even encourage, them to struggle, make mistakes, learn from them, and pay a price for bad judgments and conduct. Of course, good parents should be ready to protect their children from serious harm. But being overprotective can itself inflict damage. Adversity is not always an enemy. It’s often teaching that helps a young person develop wings strengthened by self-confidence and self-reliance. Helen Keller once said, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. March 2008 A Person of Character 525.2 Let’s face it: It’s not easy to become a person of character. It takes a good heart, but it also requires wisdom to know right from wrong and the discipline to do right even when it’s costly, inconvenient, or difficult.  Becoming a person of character is a lifelong quest to be better. A person of character values honesty and integrity and pays whatever price is needed to be worthy of trust, earning the pride of family and friends and self-respect. A person of character plays fair even when others don’t and values no achievement unless it was attained with honor. A person of character has strong convictions, yet avoids self-righteousness. A person of character believes in the inherent dignity of all people and treats everyone with respect, even those whose ideas and ideologies evoke strong disagreement. A person of character deals with criticism constructively and is self-confident enough to take good advice, to admit and learn from mistakes, to feel and express genuine remorse, and to apologize graciously. A person of character knows what’s important, sacrifices now for later, is in control of attitudes and actions, overcomes negative impulses, and makes the best of every situation. A person of character willingly faces fears and tackles unpleasant tasks. A person of character is consistently and self-consciously kind and empathetic, giving generously without concern for reward. A person of character feels and expresses gratitude freely and frequently. A person of character is not defeated by failure or dissuaded by disappointment. A person of character seeks true happiness in living a life of purpose and meaning, placing a higher value on significance than success    February 2008 The Saga of Will and Fern: The Power of Encouragement 551.5 Two frogs named Will and Fern weren’t looking where they were going and fell into a pit. At first, they thought it would be easy to jump out, but after numerous failed attempts they were getting desperate. A crowd of animals gathered around to watch. The consensus of the onlookers was there was no way either one could jump high enough to get out, so they urged the two to accept their fate. The harder the trapped frogs jumped, the more the crowd yelled at them to surrender. Finally, Will fell back to the bottom and gave up. Fern refused to quit. With one mighty last try, she leaped out of the pit. The other animals were amazed. One asked her how she could keep trying despite their discouraging taunts. Fern was shocked. "What do you mean? I’m a bit deaf. I thought you were rooting for me. I couldn’t have done it without you." Patty, a resident of a transitional housing program, gave a printed version of this story to my wife Anne. After a long period of homelessness and drug abuse, Patty wanted us to understand that positivism and support can inspire those who seem down and out to get up and out. Patty said she escaped her own pit of despair because caring people at the housing program gave her the faith and confidence she needed to jump just a little harder. There are lots of ways to help others. We can educate them, feed them, and house them. But we can also change their lives if we encourage and empower them. January 2008 Gifts From the Heart Are Gifts of the Heart 546.3 According to legend, a young man roaming the desert came across a spring of delicious crystal-clear water. The water was so sweet, he filled his leather canteen so he could bring some back to a tribal elder who had been his teacher. After a four-day journey, he presented the water to the old man who took a deep drink, smiled warmly, and thanked his student lavishly for the sweet water. The young man returned to his village with a happy heart. Later, the teacher let another student taste the water. He spat it out, saying it was awful. It apparently had become stale because of the long journey in the old leather container. The student challenged his teacher: “Master, the water was foul. Why did you pretend to like it?” The teacher replied, “You only tasted the water. I tasted the gift. The water was simply the container for an act of loving kindness, and nothing could be sweeter. Heartfelt gifts deserve the return gift of gratitude.” We understand this lesson best when we receive innocent gifts of love from young children. Whether it’s a ceramic tray or a macaroni bracelet, the natural and proper response is appreciation and expressed thankfulness because we love the idea within the gift. Gratitude doesn’t always come naturally. Unfortunately, most children and many adults value only the thing given rather than the feeling embodied in it. We should remind ourselves and teach our children about the beauty and purity of feelings and expressions of gratitude. After all, gifts from the heart are really gifts of the heart. This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts. December 07 Getting Older and Wiser I find it hard to believe, but this Sunday I turn 64. In my mind I'm still a young rebel with potential, but my body gives me daily confirmation that those days are long past. And I don't like it one bit. Yet one of the things I've learned is that nobody likes a whiner, and there's nothing to be gained by lamenting. I've learned a few other things over the years, and I suppose I've become wiser. For example: • I've learned that kindness is more important than cleverness, that it's really dumb to carry a grudge (and really hard to give one up), and that until I translate my thoughts into actions, my great ideas and good intentions are like unlit candles. • I've learned that cynicism and enthusiasm are both contagious, but cynicism makes things worse. • I've learned that everyone rationalizes -- including me -- and that it's easier to give advice than to take it. • I've learned that where there's a will, there's a way and where there's not, there's an alibi. • I've learned that too many people are willing to move the stool when what's really needed is to move the piano and that the things I like to do least are often the things that need to be done most. • I've learned that necessity is not a fact, it's an interpretation and that too many people confuse the intensity of their feelings with the likelihood that they're right. • I've learned that there's often a gap between the way things are and the way they ought to be and that I can still be an idealist without illusions committed to closing that gap. And finally, I've learned that a person is generally as happy as he or she is willing to be, and I'm very willing to be happy. November 07 When You Thought I Wasn`t Looking Whether you`re a manager trying to instill company values in employees, a coach trying to teach positive life skills to athletes, or a parent trying to build good character in your kids, you`ll be more effective if you consistently teach, enforce, advocate, and model the desired behavior and attitudes. At CHARACTER COUNTS!, we use the acronym T.E.A.M. to capture this four-step strategy. Modeling is not simply demonstrating. It`s living and acting with the realization that everything you say and do will either support or undermine your efforts to convey values. Ralph Waldo Emerson highlighted the importance of consistency between words and actions and the futility of the Do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do theory when he said, “What you are thunders so loudly, I can`t here what you say to the contrary.” This poem by an unknown author expresses it another way: When you thought I wasn`t looking, I saw you hang up my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn`t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn`t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I knew little things are special things. When you thought I wasn`t looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I believed there is a God I could always talk to. When you thought I wasn`t looking, I felt you kiss me good night, and I felt loved. When you thought I wasn`t looking, I saw you cared, and I wanted to be everything I could be. When you thought I wasn`t looking, I looked... and I wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn`t looking. This is Michael Josephson reminding you that Character Counts. September 07 The Cookie Thief There’s a nice poem by Valerie Cox circulating on the Internet about a woman who bought some cookies and a book at an airport and sat down to read and nibble while waiting for her plane. She soon noticed a man sitting next to her, who casually took a cookie from the bag. Although shocked and seething, the woman remained silent as the man, without the slightest sign of shame or gratitude, quietly helped himself, matching her cookie for cookie. When there was one cookie left, she watched in amazement as he picked it up, smiled at her as if he were being gracious, and broke it in half. He ate one half and gave her the other. Congratulating herself for maintaining her cool, she said nothing to this rude cookie thief, astonished at the nerve of some people. Later, when she was settling into her seat on the plane, she rummaged through her purse and discovered the bag of cookies she’d purchased, still unopened. The moral message is contained in the poem’s closing stanza:"If mine are here," she moaned with despair,"Then the others were his, and he tried to share."Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief. Being sure is not the same as being right. Certainty without humility can lead to self-righteousness that distorts our view and understanding of the world and of people. Humility does not require us to be equivocal or doubtful about our deepest convictions about religion and right and wrong. What it asks is that we hold and advocate our beliefs without dismissing the possibility that others may be right, too. August 07  The Scorpion and Human Nature 525.5 Terry and his dad Glen were walking along the shore and came upon a scorpion struggling in the tide, trying to get back to the sand. Glen tried to scoop the creature up, but it stung him and fell back into the tide. Glen tried again and was stung again."Dad, leave him alone!" Terry cried. "He’s not worth saving."But Glen tried one more time. This time he was successful and threw it onto the sand.Terry said, "Why waste time on an ornery critter who’s too stupid to know it’s being helped?""Son, the scorpion stings by instinct," Glen answered. "It’s its nature. I chose to help it because that’s my nature."Glen was teaching his son a profound moral lesson about being human. Like other species, we’re born with an instinct for survival and a disposition toward selfishness. Yet, blessed by a sense of compassion and the power to reason, we also have an instinct to think and act beyond our self-interest.Human nature is complex. It’s as much in our nature to be kind, loving, and generous as it is to be cruel, selfish, and dishonest. We can nurture or ignore our nobler instincts.Some people act like scorpions. Trapped by negative instincts and response patterns, they think it’s their nature and hide behind the belief, "That’s the way I am."No one is born with good or bad character. We’re born with the capacity to have either, to choose our ultimate nature. When we choose to be good, we are good.   July 07 A New Look at Darwin 518.4 Jimmy was only nine when his mom told him his little sister was sick and would die if she didn’t get a blood transfusion and that he was one of the only people in the world who had the rare blood type needed. Jimmy loved his sister and, though he didn’t know what was involved, agreed to give his blood. On the appointed day, Jimmy was solemn but brave when the nurse put the needle into his vein and began to drain his blood. After a few minutes of watching the bag fill, he looked scared. Finally, he asked the nurse, "How much longer will it be before I die?" The nurse was shocked. "You’re not going to die!" she said and then wept when she realized he thought he had to give all his blood to save his sister.This parable, adapted from a story in the book Chicken Soup for the Soul, touched and inspired me because it reveals one of the noblest distinguishing qualities of humankind -- the willingness to sacrifice oneself for another. It’s usually assumed that Darwin’s "survival of the fittest" evolutionary theory favors competitive characteristics and behavior strategies. Yet in today’s complex interdependent society, our capacity to care and the willingness to sacrifice for the benefit of others is the real evolutionary advantage.Having people like Jimmy is a major social asset, but that`s not all. Personal happiness is more attainable when we heed the voice of our souls and find purpose and meaning through service and kindness. Despite the dog-eat-dog culture that prevails today, lasting happiness depends more on what we give than on what we get.   Reprinted from Michael Josephson’s Commentaries with permission of Josephson Institute. ©2007 To receive Michael’s free weekly commentaries, please visit www.charactercounts.org. CHARACTER COUNTS! is a service mark of Josephson Institute www.charactercounts.org This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.